I couldn't leave football alone for long!

There are some fascinating news stories circulating at the moment: A Mexican drug baron’s body is stolen from a morgue, Jimmy Saville was obviously doing a little more than just ‘fixing it’ for the UK’s children, most of Greece wants to decapitate Angela Merkel, and a man is about to free fall from the stratosphere. Surely the world of sport can come up with something equally riveting. Well, not really. The tennis season is all but over after the US Open finished, the same can be said for golf now the Ryder Cup is done, and all that leaves us with is motorsport and football.

Starved of anything else to comment on I have decided to be drawn back into the murky and depressing world of the once beautiful game. I know I said I would be boycotting it in all its forms, but desperate times call for desperate measures, and after all it’s not as if I’m going to be in the least bit positive about the sport.

On the same day that a new centre of excellence was opened by Kate and William, who undoubtedly have no interest what so ever in the game, the football related stories that littered the back pages of the day’s newspapers were depressing to say the least; The continuing fall out surrounding the John Terry racism affair, managers and players accusing fellow managers and players of cheating, and of course a customary managerial sacking.

The two stories I want to focus on are Ashley Cole’s Twitter rant and diving being described by FIFA as a cancer. The latter is an issue that I take about as seriously as an episode of Eastenders. As a junior footballer I used to dive around theatrically for many reasons. I liked to play the fool and make my school friends laugh at my audacious attempts to con the ref (usually our sports teacher Mr Duke who would simply scowl at me and shout “get up Owen!”), I also enjoyed glancing over at my dad who’d be going a deep shade of red as he explained to fellow spectators that he hadn’t taught me how to dive. It always shocked me just how irate people could become all because I’d drawn them into a reckless challenge that led to a free kick or penalty. In one particular Sunday league game I won two penalties in one game and nearly got beaten up by the opposing side, who just couldn’t work out how to stay on their feet. I bet that even as I write this now there will be some of you fuming in front of your screens.

But let’s be serious for a second here. Diving is in essence, cheating. So how do the powers that be stop it? There’s the idea that a ban for the offending player would solve the problem, but would it? What if it’s an FA Cup final and a player dives to win a last minute penalty? That player doesn’t care if he receives a 10 game ban. No, that idea won’t work. What about video evidence during a game? Well has anyone watched an El Clasico game? The match would be stopped every 30 seconds as Messi, Ronaldo, and Co did pirouette after triple salco. No, that won’t work either.

The answer to this dilemma is that there is no answer. The onus to change things remains with the players themselves and managers. In other sports this might work. Eye gauging is, now, a rare occurrence in Rugby, golfers regularly tell officials if they should be penalised for a breach of the rules, and tennis players often correct calls in favour of their opponents. The stakes are just as high for these sportsmen as they are for footballers, so why can’t the PFA and the Managers Association get together and make a pact to eradicate diving from the game. If you do dive, just get up and have the decision reversed. So simple, but this would work….. or would it?

This brings me onto issue number two. We must remember that many Premier League footballers are the scum of the sporting world. Ashley Cole, perhaps forgetting the colour of his skin, has taken to Twitter to defend his ‘friend’ and captain John Terry who was charged with having made racist remarks towards Anton Ferdinand. Before Twitter was invented the voices of the likes of Ashley Cole would never have been heard. Unfortunately, these days lazy journalists love to scour this world of the #whogivesashitwhatyouateforbreakfast to find their story of the day. Personally I would have it written into a player’s contract that they can’t use Twitter. What’s the point? It’s not quite the same as following a musician, an artist, a politician, or a comedian. Nothing a Premier League footballer has to say is interesting, and if they do then why not do an interview with someone who might extract a little more than just “the FA are a bunch of twats”.

 
Of course footballers will continue to use Twitter and journalists will continue to quote their pathetic ramblings, diving will only get worse, and football will continue to dig its own grave, one slow agonising shovel at a time.

Eduardo scores 10 10 10 10 10

The beautiful game is full of controversy, its one of the main reasons it is the most watched sport in the world. Lately half of the Premiership has been bought by Arab Sheiks blowing their countries future on men that your average Saudi has probably never heard of. Before that there was the tapping up scandal that the likes of 'Happy' Harry Redknapp managed to escape unscathed from. There are other countless scandals that I don't have space to mention. However none of these issues and debacles seem to raise Joe public's heckles more than 'DIVING'.

Before I suggest how the Footballing Authorities should deal with this stubborn virus that has infected the game, I want to suggest something else. A lot of people keep saying that the players should sort this out themselves and grow consciences. What no one ever seems to say is 'why do keepers and defenders keep falling for the same old tricks'. In Artur Boruc's case he slid out right at the feet of an onrushing attacker. Isn't it about time that rather than crying about the outcome of their actions, Boruc and other keepers have a look at their positioning and think; 'wouldn't it be better if I just stayed on my line or left more distance between me and the keeper'.

This alone will obviously not eradicate the problem though. As long as players can gain such a huge advantage for their team by diving, they will continue to do it. The reactionary responses from certain quarters has been rushed and not thought through. SFA (Scottish Football Association) chief Gordon Smith got in a huff and blurted to the 'Daily Record' that Eduardo should be banned after UEFA watched video evidence. This is what has subsequently happened. However as Arsene Wenger pointed out in today's press conference. "This has set a dangerous precedent". Basically what UEFA have done is make it possible for clubs to appeal against all big decisions that Referees make. This appeals process will still not mean that the game is replayed, so you could still dive in the Champions league final and win. Something better is needed.

Enter Michel Platini who has taken over Sebb Blatter's job of coming up with useless ideas. Platini has suggested in 'The Mirror' that a 5th official could be deployed behind the goal to make decision making better. However Platini's idea is flawed in that it would only work at "free kicks and corners". His words not mine. He then went on to say "For years players have cheated because the referees were not of a good enough quality". Not sure that will go down well with his colleagues. Platini has missed the point.

The problem is not referees. Making decisions on such fast moving events is almost impossible. So what we need is technology to help officials. I hate to agree with Alex Ferguson and Gordon Smith (when he had calmed down) but what we need more than ever is a tennis style challenge and review system. A team could get 2 challenges per half. If a challenge is overruled that challenge is lost. If it is upheld then the team keep their challenge. The fourth official could have a quick look on the replay and give his verdict. It would all take 10 seconds. If a player is adjudged to have dived he receives a yellow card.

Unfortunately there are traditionalists such as Platini and notably Football Focus's Garth (Waste of Space) Crooks who insist on trying to stop the inevitable introduction of technology.

If Rangers get knocked out of the champions league because of another dive that could have been spotted by a camera then Mr Platini and Co should cancel any planned visits to Scotland.